STATBLASTER: 8 Mostly Accurate Pre-Fight Facts About UFC Fight Night 42

(Fact: No can defense Rustan Khabilov’s patented Crab Attack.)

While listening to the latest episode of the CME Podcast earlier today, I was somewhat surprised to learn that Patrick Cummins vs. Roger Narvaez will be the only bout on this weekend’s Fight Night 42: Henderson vs. Khabilov card *not* featured on Fox Sports 1. Cummins, who was previously heralded as “a beast” and “no joke” prior to getting smashed by Daniel Cormier at UFC 170, has fallen from co-main event-worthy to Fight Passable in just one UFC appearance. (At least they were able to find him an opponent, I guess.)

Cummins’ placement on the card is a kick in the balls to say the least, but likely not the biggest dick move a former Starbucks barista has ever been subjected to in his life. Regardless, the recent crash of “Durkin” stock is one of several interesting facts about Fight Night 42 that you probably won’t find in one of MMAJunkie’s insipid “Pre-Fight Facts” articles. Oh yes, shots have been fired.

That being the case, we decided to basically lift their idea and make it our own, bringing you lesser-known, funnier, and borderline inaccurate facts about Fight Night 42 and its competitors. What? If it’s good enough for Burger King, it’s good enough for CagePotato. Now let’s get started.

Stat #1: Fight Night 42 Marks the UFC’s First Trip to New Mexico

In keeping with its “As Real as it Gets” moniker, the UFC has finally decided to put on a night of fights in a state where the police officers are often more crooked than the criminals. Fight Night 42 marks the first time Zuffa has graced the “Land of Enchantment” since WEC 32 was held in Rio Rancho back in 2008, and the first time the UFC has ever held an event in the state best known as the setting of Breaking Bad. There will be no survivors.

Seriously, New Mexico didn’t earn its reputation as a desolate wasteland of methed-out tweekers and power-hungry cops on a whim. Did you know that in 2013, a man was pulled over in a Walmart parking lot and forced to undergo a 14-hour cavity search that included 8 anal robings, two x-rays, multiple enemas, and a surgical colonoscopy? Or that no drugs were found in said man’s anus? Or that the man later won a settlement worth 1.6 million dollars? Or that, despite this backbreaking lawsuit, those cops still remain employed? There’s a fun stat for you: Each unwarranted anal probe is worth approximately 200 large in New Mexico.

Thankfully, Fight Night 42 is being held in Albuquerque, where local police only use homeless people as target practice. Thank science Michael Chiesa isn’t fighting on the card, or we could have a real disaster on our hands.

Stat #2: Ben Henderson Does Not Actually Finish Fights

According to Ben Henderson in the above promo for Fight Night 42, the former lightweight champion “doesn’t fight to win rounds” and “ends fights.” The funny thing is, that statement is absolutely crazyballs bananas.

It’s been some 4+ years since fight fans have seen Henderson score a victory inside the distance, and you’d have to go back to his pre-UFC days to find it — a first round submission via guillotine over Donald Cerrone in their rematch at WEC 48. Henderson’s most recent fight — a split decision victory over Josh Thomson — was a particularly fine example of the dichotomy that exists between how “Smooth” perceives himself as a fighter and how he actually fights. A great guy Bendo may be, but a finisher he is not.

Oddly enough, Henderson’s four year streak of decisions isn’t even the longest dry spell on the Fight Night 42 main card. No, that honor belongs to Diego Sanchez, of all people, who has not finished a fighter since TKOing Luigi Fioravanti six years ago. Let it be known that on this day, an indirect correlation between quail eggs and knockout power was discovered, right here on CagePotato.

Stat #3: Rustam Khabilov, Like, Really Enjoys Suplexing the Sh*t Out of People

We’ve touched on this before, but Rustam Khabilov’s *two* victories via suplex is a stat that bears repeating. While his suplex-induced KO of Vinc Pichel at the TUF 16 Finale was the one that made him (moderately) famous, Khabilov’s powerbombing of Akin Duran at M-1 Challenge 2009 was easily the more brutal of the two. It took just 28 seconds for “Tiger” to suplex Duran into retirement that night, and he hasn’t lost any sleep over it since.

Stat #4: John Dodson is Not an Adult, But a 7-Year-Old with Werner Syndrome

(Unconfirmed, but c’mon)

Stat #5: This Could Be the Last Time We See Yves Edwards in the UFC

Despite holding the lightweight record for bouts in the UFC (19, including 10 victories), Yves Edwards will likely be fighting for his career come Saturday night. The “Thugjitsu Master” has scored just two victories in his past six contests, dropping decisions to Daron Cruickshank, Isaac Vallie-Flagg, and only being spared a loss after being KO’d by Yancy Medeiros thanks to a positive post-fight marijuana test on Yancy’s part (Yaaancy!).

Matched up against Piotr Hallman, the 64-fight veteran’s career is likely winding down. Whether in victory or defeat, Edwards is and always has been a gamer, and we’d love to see him go out on a big victory before calling it quits for good. Currently a +160 underdog to his relatively unknown opponent, we think he stands a great chance of walking away with an upset win at Fight Night 42. Preferably via some crazy flying shit like in the video above.

Stat #6: Brian Caraway is Kind of a Douchebag

Seriously, f*ck that guy.

Stat #7: Bobby Voelker Has Yet to Win a Fight in the UFC

(Photo via Getty.)

Typically, a three-fight skid is enough to earn anyone not named Leonard Garcia a seat in the UFC unemployment line, especially when those losses comes in a fighter’s first three performances. Bobby Voelker, however, possesses the unique ability to absorb just enough damage to not get knocked out (save the Lawler fight) while absorbing far too much to win, and has earned high praise from Dana White for doing so:

“He’s 0-3, and he’s not going anywhere,” said White following Voelker’s most recent loss to William Macario at UFC 168. “He took the Robbie Lawler fight on short notice, and tonight he was busted up and keeps moving forward, keeps trying to win.”

Should Voelker come up short against Lance Benoist this weekend and somehow remain employed, he will join such rare company as Dan Hardy, Mark Hominick, Steve Cantwell, and Elvis Sinosic to lose four straight fights without receiving a pink slip. The little victories, Nation. The little victories.

Stat #8 — Nobody knows what the “dos Anjos” in Rafael dos Anjos means.

(The title of this 2013 film is absolute gibberish.)

Although linguistic scholars have almost unanimously confirmed that “dos” = “of” in Portuguese, the meaning of “anjos” was lost centuries ago according to experts in the field, along with the meanings of San Diego, BM, and #yolo.

Hopefully, these facts will only enhance your Fight Night 42 viewing experience this weekend, but if they don’t, you’re probably not a *real* fight fan anyway.

-J. Jones