Team Rousey blog: Jessica Rakoczy on 'The Ultimate Fighter 18,' episode No. 4

So the first fight of the episode nearly involved Dennis Hallman and a few of our coaches. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it all happen live because I was in the back taking a shower after my fight. Watching it back, I think everyone was just so tense because we had just had the two losses, and everybody was just on edge. I think that was more how it happened. Of course, Edmond Tarverdyan is a very intense guy, so he’s always a little on edge. But when you factor in the situation that happened at Red Rock, it basically just set the tone for how it was going to be the whole time we were there. It was just tension all the time.

So, the episode showed what a mom I am, but that truly is exactly how I am. My coaches back home and friends all say that’s how I am, too. They all call me “OCD,” too. I used to have everything in place all the time. Now that I have my 4-year-old son, I can’t really be like that anymore. I have to just kind of wing it, but I try to stay like that as much as I can.

The episode also went into a little more in depth on my shoulder injury. It really was affecting my training quite a bit. Like when they showed me training with Ronda Rousey, all I could do was throw my jab. I couldn’t throw any right hands or elbows or anything. I admit, I was a little worried. I was concerned that Roxanne was going to take me down, and you need your shoulders for the ground game. I wasn’t able to perform like normal, so it was really frustrating for me.

After the first fight with Revelina Berto, I knew I had done something to my shoulder because the bone was sticking all the way out of my collar bone. I separated it during that fight. The doctor who was there felt it and told me I had a separation, but if I would have gone and done an MRI, I wouldn’t have been able to continue, so I just said I was fine and decided to ice it every day. I knew it was something I could get addressed after I got out of the house.

The other big part of this episode was the part about my history, and I obviously got very emotional. It was a little uncomfortable watching it on TV. I’ve never really talked about my life, especially so publicly. But I think it was kind of good to talk about it, and maybe other people that are going through something like that can know you can overcome anything. Nothing matters. You just have to be headstrong and keep working through it.

I moved out when I was 15 years old, and six months after I moved out, my mom passed away. I talked to my stepfather a few times, but I haven’t talked to him since. I think he married another lady and moved to Cuba or something.

We still don’t know how my mom died. We have no answers. Anybody can make an assumption. This man abused my mom so bad, and then all of a sudden she’s gone, and they don’t do an autopsy because he had her cremated right away. We had no answers as to what happened to her, and then he moved to Cuba. So anyone is free to make their own assumptions.

With that over, though, it was time to fight.

If you noticed, I weighed in at 132 pounds. I can’t make 135 pounds. I walk around at 130. I was able to eat more being in the house. I only weighed 129 pounds for my elimination fight with Revelina. I just couldn’t get my weight up there. My last boxing fight in January was at 122 pounds, and that was even a last-minute fight. Honestly, I can’t believe I even got a chance to try out for “The Ultimate Fighter,” and then with it not really being my weight class, I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it, so to even get into the house was pretty awesome.

As for the fight, my coaches wanted me to just stand up and box the whole time, but Roxanne Modafferi is so tricky, and she just kind of fell on me and was able to get me to the ground. I had a hard time trying to do what I needed to do, and then you get tired grappling and fighting on the ground. She definitely won that first round, easy. My coach at home told me it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was going to be.

The coaches were screaming and yelling at me to keep it standing, but she was good at taking it to the ground, where I have minimal experience. It’s all a learning experience for me. The armbar wasn’t close at all, though. She was good at smothering me, but I didn’t feel like she had the strength to really control me. Had she been punching, I think I could have got out of it quicker, but she was controlling me well.

It looked like Roxanne was a little tired in the second round. They didn’t show it between rounds, but my corner was like, “What the f–k are you doing? Why are you not boxing?” It really opened my eyes, and I was like, “I’m sorry.” So I tried to stand, but it didn’t really work, and then Ronda was really pissed that I wasn’t listening. But it was just hard because Roxanne was holding me down. Of course, I didn’t help myself by going back to into her guard, either. I just wasn’t thinking. I don’t have a ton of experience in MMA, and I just made a bad mistake. I should have pushed her legs out of the way rather than going into her guard. That comes with experience. Fortunately, it worked out OK with the big slam.

I think when she hit the ground, it knocked the wind out of her because she let go right away. I hesitated to go back for the finish because everyone was yelling at me to stand up. They didn’t want me to back in, so I was wary of wether or not I should go back to the ground. But then they saw she was hurt, and they were yelling at me to get on her. I was just hearing so much yelling that I was second-guessing myself.

It was tough to back in there and punch Roxanne while she was defenseless. After I saw that she wasn’t really coherent, I looked at the referee because I thought he was going to stop it. They didn’t really show that. Dana White was screaming to stop the fight before I threw the punches, but the referee didn’t stop it, so I had to stop it before she could recover and stand back up. You have to take care of it because she’s not going to second-guess if she gets me in an armbar. She’s going to try and finish the fight. So you have to do whatever you have to do to win.

It was a great feeling to win, but it was weird because none of the girls on my team were really excited. They’re all friends with Roxanne, so it was really bittersweet. I wasn’t really celebrating, and no one was screaming. It was just really awkward. I guess the guys were really excited for me and making me feel like I did a great job, but everyone else had a lot of love for Roxanne and so they didn’t really celebrate too much. Well maybe Peggy Morgan. She was all about it for me.

As for next week’s matchup, it was all decided while I was showering after the fight, so I didn’t hear anything about it. But we kind of knew that Davey Grant was going to be the next one up. He was preparing to fight and just seemed like the most ready to go.

“The Ultimate Fighter 18? cast member Jessica Rakoczy (1-3) blogs each Thursday exclusively for MMAjunkie.com. The women’s bantamweight prospect takes readers behind the scenes of the FOX Sports 1-broadcast series, which airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET.