Team Canada blog: Kajan Johnson on 'TUF Nations,' episode No. 10

I just have to say that this was definitely a very difficult episode for me. I don’t even really know where to start. I guess I just have to start at the beginning. We open with shots of the teams returning home after Luke (Harris’) loss. It may seem like Vik (Grujic) is a little cold with his input on Luke’s eye, but its completely normal. The injury was caused by the successful completion of Vik’s technique and one cannot help being happy with one’s own success. Luke is humble and real about his loss. He makes no excuses and accepts it for what it is. This game is tough. No matter what, everyone loses sometime.

Looks like Twilight (Sheldon Westcott) is back in the tourney! Or at least he’s been allowed to take the neck brace off. Not sure if he was cleared to fight or not. What a warrior this guy is. He’s been given news that his neck is severely sprained and he’s happy about it. Fighters really are a different breed of human. Not normal.

So we Skype Dana White to let him know who we want to fight in the semis. Everyone from our team says they want to fight Rich (Walsh). Rich says he wants to fight me. Really wish that would have happened. Regardless, what was meant to unfold did and I have faith that it was for a reason.

Fight picks go down and I’m scheduled to fight Chad (Laprise), Elias (Theodorou) gets Tyler (Manawaroa), Sheldon gets Vik and Oli (Aubin-Mercier) gets Rich. I was pretty surprised that I was matched against Chad. I knew it was a possibility but I kind of thoughught that Id be fighting Oli instead. Regardless I was confident that I would be able to win and move on to the finals. Staredown was really weird here. I have never experienced anything like it and hope I never have to again. I could tell that Chad was really upset by the matchup. I could almost see tears welling up in his eyes as we faced each other. I tried to lighten the situation up by making jokes but it was what it was: an unfortunate situation.

So it starts getting a little weird here. My eyes have been opened to some things through watching this that I was previously unaware of. We start to figure out what the coaching situation is going to be. I was told that there was the choice of having Fabio (Holanda) or (Kru) Ash. Since I knew Chad and Ash had worked together before the show, I made it easy and took Fabio so Chad could have Ash. (Patrick) Cote said he would remain neutral so I figured we’d probably both just get another teammate to come and corner. One coach and one teammate – fair.

OK, here’s where things get really weird. We see Cote moments later in the hall with Chad telling him that I’m “a great fight for him, way better then Rich.” Which is fine I guess, if he pulled me aside at some point and had a discussion with me. But I can’t recall him doing that. Maybe I’m a sensitive guy. Scratch that. I know I’m a sensitive guy. But that really hurts me. I don’t know if he decided to side with Chad or if they just made it look like that. Me and Cote have much more history then they do. Regardless, it’s really hard for me to watch. Thank God I didn’t know while on the season.

So Chad is seen in the next scene talking to the Aussie coaches and asking (Roberto) Tussa if he will corner him against me. Tussa agrees, so it’s now me and Fabio against Chad Ash and Tussa. Going into this, I really didn’t care about corners. Corners don’t fight for you; they’re just there to give you some water, advice and good energy. I had faith that no matter what, I would be able to achieve my zone and fight to the best of my abilities.

I want to take a moment to commend Chad on being so honest in his confessional about his childhood and upbringing. I know that it was very difficult for him. He showed a side of himself that even his closest friends have never seen and he had the guts to show the world. That takes courage. More courage then stepping in a cage to fight. Big ups, Chad. It is only through being completely honest with our self and others that we can truly make changes, not only changes in our own lives but in the lives of others. I’m sure you inspired at least one kid with your story, and that makes it all worth while.

So we both weigh in. I make 170 and Chad is 171. We step off the scales and have yet another awkward staredown. Not quite as awkward as the last one, but it’s definitely weird and somewhat surreal. It’s going to get real really soon thoughugh – time is ticking.

After the weigh-ins, we were back in the locker room and Cote said we were going to flip to see who got the room. Here was the beginning of my lesson in the balance between self love and selflessness. I knew that whoever got our home room was going to have an advantage because the familiarity would make it easier to get into the zone. I also knew that Chad would want the room and thoughught that it wouldn’t matter because my experience would allow me to be in the zone for my fight, anyway. Because of my philosophy of wanting my opponent at his best, I gave Chad the room. I didn’t really expect him to take it so easily, but he did, and good on him. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have let it go so easily. I still want my opponent at his best, but not at the expense of my own well being. You have to put yourself first no matter what. Well, lesson learned. Just sucks that lessons have to be so hard in this game.

Here’s where my feelings really get hurt. Right after I give Chad the dressing room, Cote is over talking to him telling him how to beat me. I doubt his speech changed anything, but it’s the principle. Cote was supposed to be neutral and always acted as such to my face. To the best of my recollection he never once gave me any instruction on how to beat Chad. I, of course, assumed that he had stepped back and was truly neutral. Now I’m watching and he’s telling Chad to knock me out. Maybe there was footage of him telling me what to do and they just didn’t show it, but my gut and my brain tell me different. I can’t for the life of me remember getting any such instructions or words of encouragement. I really don’t know why it went down like this.

Leading up to weigh-ins, I felt awesome. The cut was easy and I was ready. After weigh-ins, thoughugh, It was a different story. I don’t know what I messed up in the rehydration. Perhaps I got the sodium-potassium balance wrong, but I got crazy diarrhea that lasted most of the night. I’m sure you guys don’t want to hear about my diarrhea, but too bad! It was horrible. I had crazy bubble guts and didn’t even want to eat anything anymore. Eventually I got to bed, thoughugh, and woke up feeling fine.

So me and Nordine (Taleb) are talking about the positives and negatives of fighting a teammate and I express to him that I’d like him to corner me. He seems into it, but later on he comes to me and respectfully declines. I feel a little let down but I completely understand. No one wants to corner against a friend. I just wish they could see my point of view. They would just have to coach against a friend, I have to fight against one. I don’t hold it against him thoughugh; it’s a difficult situation.

It’s fight day and most of the guys have left for the gym, including Chad. I stayed back to relax and do my fight day ritual of shadowboxing and meditation. I felt ready and focused on my goal. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I felt that it was for the sole purpose of preparing me for this day. No matter what, I knew I would perform.

This is the part of the episode that I have the hardest time watching. I’m at home still and the rest of the team is at the gym talking about who is going to be in whose corner. David Ziberman tells Chad he’s going to be in his corner bringing his coach total to three, which is fine but kind of weak because I only have one. Luke actually speaks up saying let’s make it fair, 2-2, but he is quickly brushed off by the coaching staff. Then we cut to a scene where Chad is in the ring with Kru and every single coach including Fabio are there giving him instructions and words of encouragement that he will beat me. I was completely astounded to hear Fabio saying that I’m just an “OK wrestler” and I wouldn’t be able to take him down. What did I do to these guys to deserve this? Why is Cote attacking my level of confidence? This scene actually made me cry. I’m a crybaby though – I cry on Disney movies.

On the way to the fight, I felt great. I was happy and positive and grateful for the opportunity that lay ahead. Once I got there though things changed. As soon as I went to the dressing room it was weird. Was I allowed to go in and say hi? Was anyone going to come and chill in my dressing room? Or would I just be alone? Anyway, I decide to go in the Canada side and greet everyone. The energy was very weird and awkward. I could tell a lot of the guys didn’t know what to say or how to act. At this point I didn’t know that David had volunteered himself to coach Chad so I asked him to corner me. He declined saying that he was already in Chad’s corner. I play it off like it’s nothing but it got to me a little. I leave and head to the Australia locker room inviting anyone that wanted to, to come chill. Nordine, Oli and Matt took me up on my offer, thank God. It helped to have some boys around. made me feel like someone cared. I warm up and get ready. It feels a little weird though – something’s off. I’m not achieving the same zone I’m used to achieving. Usually I’m happy and playful, but I don’t feel that way now. I know why now, though. In this fight, I needed to be very aggressive in order to win. I think I needed the darkness, not the light in this fight, and I resisted it because I was used to achieving a certain zone. The zone is not always the same – you have to trust your gut and I failed to do so. Another lesson learned.

OK, UFC, let’s get one thing straight. I am not 5-foot-8. I don’t know where you came up with that stat. I thought it was just a typo in the first episode, but there it is again in this one. I am 5-11, thank you very much! Just had to clear that up.

We both get to the cage OK. I knew as soon as I was in there though that my zone was off. I didn’t feel right and there was nothing I could do to change it. No choice but to accept it and throw down. The ref says fight and we come together. Chad raises his had and I touch it. I don’t usually touch gloves, but I do because it’s Chad. I knew going in that I should throw a hard 1-2 down the pipe right off the top, but for some reason I don’t – I just throw a jab. I needed to be aggressive, but I’m not I just feint and jab, which is working but isn’t causing Chad to move back like I need him to. Chad throws a right hand I get under and throw my own back, we both miss. Chad starts to press and throws a 2-1. I slip the shots but give up ground. This is my biggest problem this fight, is I give up ground instead of gaining it.

I throw a 1-2 that misses but moves Chad back. I follow it with a jab-leg kick that lands nicely. Chad comes over my jab with a right hand that lands, I circle away. We both throw some jabs and slip some shots then I connect with the first big punch of the fight, a right hand right on the button. Chad drops, but is up just as quickly. I should have jumped on this opportunity but once again I wasn’t aggressive enough. I can hear the coaches coaching Chad and it’s messing with me a little. I can’t seem to stay in the zone and focus on the task at hand. I’m used to always being able to control my inner speech but this time for whatever reason I can’t. I feel myself floating in and out of the zone without any control over it. I change levels with a right hand to the body and come up with a hard left hook that misses. Chad presses forward with a 1-2.

This fight is much closer then I remember it. When I fight I only remember the bad things that happen so I thought I lost this round for sure. Now I’m not so sure. Again I give up ground to Chad for no reason and pay for it by eating a nice right hand. I miss with my right hand and get under Chad’s counter 2-3. I land a check jab and then a feint jab. I’m waiting too much. Too reactive, not proacticve. I’ve learned these lessons already but for some reason I’m repeating them. I land a couple more jabs. My jab has been very effective this round. I throw a left hook right hand that misses. Chad throws a counter right and I slip it. I feint and Chad bites, throwing a jab that misses. I don’t make him pay for it. This is another problem in this fight. I make him miss but rarely make him pay. I’m breaking one of my own fundamental rules.

Chad throws a right hand and I pivot, slipping the shot. Again no counter. I throw a nice left high kick that is blocked by Chad. I pivot Chads righthand again and stay in his face a little better this time. I hit a super jab low kick, GSP style. Chad comes in with some hard shots and I shoot for a takedown. I make the mistake of switching to the double leg instead of staying on the single and Chad is able to secure an underhook, pulling me off his legs. It’s crazy to me how much you can hear Cote on this episode. I wonder if they turned up his mic or something because I didn’t hear him at all during the fight. All I heard was David, Kru and Jon Chaimberg all coaching against me. It really through me off and distracted me. This was such a test. I land another jab and bounce away. I’m scoring but it’s hard for me to watch because I’m not fighting him the way I was supposed to , the way my gut told me to fight him. We exchange more jabs and I land an inside low kick. Fabio calls out the time. That’s all he really said to me during the rounds – told me the time and to keep my hands up. I thought that was the way he cornered, but now after watching the full episode I wonder if he was quiet on purpose.

I’m dancing around bouncy-bouncy. Coach Johnny wlll be pissed watching this. I’m not supposed to fight like this. I’m not Muhammed Ali. We exchange blows and I hear the coaches cheer for Chad. I’m feeling really alone here. Really abandoned. I land a nice jab and I can hear Chaimberg telling Chad that the overhand is there. I make note and block it when he throws it. I land a right hand over his jab and I see his legs wobble momentarily. Again I should jump on this but I don’t, no killer instinct. I go to the body with the jab and throw a hard overhand right that Chad pivots away from. I throw a hard right low kick that lands nicely. Chad tried to counter but misses. I land a nice long jab again. Watching I can hear (Chris) Indich or Brendan (O’Reilly) praise me for it. The Aussies are starting to cheer for me now, sensing the imbalanced corner. I land a left head kick right as the 10-second clacker sounds. Then a superman right-left hook. Chad counters with a hook of his own and then throws a spinning backfist. I see the spin coming and grab a bodylock. I know there’s no time but I want to at least get him to the ground once. I lift and try to slam him but he manages to balance himself and maybe grabs the cage a little. It’s understandable though – it’s just a reaction.

During the break, Fabio gave me good info. He wanted me to kick more and mix things up. Good info for sure. The second round starts. I fake the takedown and throw a big left hook that is blocked. I then throw a left hook right head kick that just goes over Chad’s head. Damn you, long legs and flexibility! I always kick over people’s heads – it’s a problem. Chad rushes me off of it with punches, but nothing solid lands. We move around a bit and I go back upstairs with my left leg this time. Chad has his hand up and picks the shot off. I land a hard leg kick. I really should have been throwing more of those. Chad presses and again I give up ground. I really should be fighting for every square inch but I move back trying to keep him on the outside. Chad lands a nice jab and hook as I circle out. I land a jab and Chad tries to come over it hard with a right hand. Luckily I get back and it narrowly misses. I land a nice teep with my front leg. I should have been using that weapon more to keep him off. I shoot sloppily. Chad shrugs it off and I eat a hard left hook for my efforts. His corner erupts. This is so f—ed. I’m so out of my zone, everything seems surreal as if I’m outside my body watching it all happen.

Chad presses and I miss with a big left hook. I don’t think I landed one of those this fight. Not a good look. All I can hear is his corner right now. It’s such a distraction. I never thought it would get to me like this. I throw my right head kick and again shave his head with it. I really need to address this. That’s twice this round that kick has just missed. Chad backs me up to the fence. I try to pivot out and measure him with my left hand to get distance but he keeps pressing. I land another jab here, countering his. Then I double jab, he swings an overhand wildly right after. I remember this shot just brushing my lips and thanking creator that it wasn’t one inch farther. This should have been a wakeup call to attack and push him back. Ugh this is hard to watch. I’m slipping his shots but not answering back. Head movement is good but it doesn’t win fights. Both these rounds have been really close, the fight could go either way on points. I know I’m losing though. he’s winning the most important and completely unscorable battle, the battle of energy and intention. My fighting is fear based and his is aggression based. I land a nice low kick. I remember this one because Kru immediately says “nothing there.” It’s hard to have a coach that you want to impress say that your low kick is s–t. At least for me it was anyway. Kru is just doing his job but it was still messing with my head.

We exchange some jabs but miss our power shots. We have very similar techniques so its hard to land anything solid. Again we exchange jabs. Chad comes in with a 1-3-2. I move away form the 1-3 but get hit with the 2 at the end. I throw a hard 3-2 back and just glance the 2 off the top of his skull. The Aussies are yelling at me to keep my hands up. Unfortunately I don’t comply. My hands are really low this fight. Yet another issue for me to address. We keep exchanging back and forth. Point wise, it’s really hard to see who is winning these rounds. Super close. I throw a Superman right that lands, then a jab. Chad eats it and hits me with a hook. I throw a side kick that glances off exposing my back. Since I’m out of position I throw a wheel kick just in case Chad tried to capitalize. He doesn’t and the kick misses. I throw another jab low kick that lands. Chad fires a big right hand and I return with a big left hook. Both miss. I landed a pull right hand here, the camera doesn’t show it well but I remember landing it. We circle again and I think he can tell that I’m trying to pull counter his jab.

He feints it again and I bite pulling and coming back with my right hand. Unfortunately for me my left hand isn’t in its rightful place protecting my chin and CRACK! He hits me with a right hand bomb shattering my jaw and dropping me on my face. They say it’s the one you don’t see that gets you out and they’re right. I did not see it coming at all. I just woke up on the ground on my hands and knees with blood leaking from my face. I knew right away that my jaw was broken. Because of adrenaline, there was no pain yet but it was very obvious to me that it was way out of place. I couldn’t close my mouth and it felt completely out of line.

After I got over the fact that my jaw was busted, the reality set in that I had just lost the fight of my life. Being the crybaby I am of course I start crying. It has been a very long very difficult road to get to this point. I have sacrificed everything to be here and when it came down to it, I lost. No matter what. Regardless of coaches, weight cuts, change rooms, etc., I lost. It’s up to me and no one else. I didn’t fight the fight I was supposed to and I paid the price once again with my face. So I’ve officially been knocked out now. I can really say I’ve been through it all. I have KO losses on my record but they aren’t real KOs. This time, I really got knocked out. I’m sure it happened to teach me a lesson but it sucks that it had to happen here, in the most important fight

“TUF Nations” cast member “Ragin” Kajan Johnson (19-10-1) blogs each week exclusively for MMAjunkie. The Team Canada welterweight takes readers behind the scenes of the FOX Sports 1-broadcast series, which airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET. Catch Johnson on Twitter at @iamragin and check out his official website at www.raginmma.com.