Survivor Series 2015 Results: The Roman Empire Collapses

Before we dive into our coverage of Survivor Series 2015, let’s start with a little Professional Wrestling 101: It’s 2015, which means wrestling is nowhere near as cool as it used to be; but it is desperately trying to be. The WWE is badly looking for its next big star. The closest thing the WWE has had in terms of a mainstream star in the last decade has been John Cena, a major star within the business, but he never broke through to the mainstream quite like Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock or God help us, Hulk Hogan.

Still, Cena has carried the company like a good dad who works three jobs so that his wife can stay home with the kids. He might not be living on the beach, driving a Porsche, sitting in the corner office of a Fortune 500 company, but his family is taken care of, the bills are paid, and everyone is proud of dad’s effort.

The WWE has done just fine with Cena, but the company has not been on the mainstream radar like it was in the late 1990s. And now John Cena is 38. Yes, he’s almost 40. So the WWE has been desperately trying to find a new superstar to replace Cena, and possibly break into the mainstream as one of the icons of the sport.

Which brings us to the Survivor Series and 2015. The WWE badly wants Roman Reigns to be The Next Big Thing in wrestling. For some reason, WWE CEO Vince McMahon has targeted Reigns as the future, and he has forced devoted wrestling fans to live with his horrible booking for more than a year now. You see, McMahon loves Reigns, but since most of the fans who watch wrestling these days are hardcore fans, they naturally rebel against any corporate direction. On PPV and television shows, it’s the cool thing to boo Reigns out of the building. Reigns is more popular at non-televised live house shows because, well, people are just there to have a good time, and they know Reigns is going to win, and typically what happens at live house shows doesn’t affect storylines on television.

So even though The Survivor Series was billed as “25 Years of The Dead Man” the Survivor Series was not really about The Undertaker, but more about crowning Roman Reigns as the new world champion. This was supposed to be his night. Originally, Reigns was supposed to defeat Seth Rollins for the WWE championship tonight, but Rollins, who won the title at WrestleMania earlier this year, blew out his ACL and had to give up the title. So the WWE held a tournament – with the new champion crowned at the Survivor Series.

Tonight is supposed to be Reigns’ night, right?

WRONG!

So here we go. The show opens with Lilian Garcia singing the national anthem. Isn’t she tired of doing this yet? She’s a good singer, but seriously, they need to cut The Big Show’s food budget and hire talent from the local area to sing the anthem. Heck, let the Road Dogg sing it. At least it’s something different. Garcia has been singing the anthem for more than a decade and she’s not getting any better.

The other thing you should know about the modern-day WWE is that the announcing absolutely sucks. What’s worse than the most uninspired roster of WWE superstars since 1995? The worst broadcasting team in WWE history. We need Jim Ross back, but sadly, we are stuck with Lawler, Michael Cole and John Bradshaw Layfield. It’s not that they are bad — it’s that they are terrible. I want more from my announcers than “what a headbutt!”

Hearing these three guys call a PPV is like getting the “other” NFL Sunday Fox cable broadcast, you know the one that Troy Aikman and Joe Buck aren’t calling. It’s usually some guy named Bill and Ted, both with overly deep voices and audio like it’s projecting from one speaker.

Roman Reigns defeated Alberto Del Rio with a spear

That was way cooler when Goldberg and Edge did it. So Reigns is the son of former Wild Samoan Sika, and some type of cousin to The Rock. For some reason, he is the only Samoan in the history of wrestling that McMahon has not tried to dress up in a hula skirt. McMahon really likes Reigns. Reigns has deep blue eyes, long black hair and a unique, muscular look. So even though Reigns is an average worker (workmanship = ability to make a wrestling match look legitimate) he’s destined for greatness because McMahon think’s he’s marketable. Del Rio, a great worker, carried Reigns throughout the match (carried = does all the stunts to make the other guy look like a badass) and did the job (job = lose) for Reigns.

Del Rio carried this match through several of Reigns’ mistimed, botched spots. Reigns delivered an ugly back-body drop that nearly dropped Del Rio on his head. Del Rio lit him up with a stiff kick to the head, but not sloppy-stiff like Goldberg did to Bret Hart. Del Rio did the total Ric Flair working with a broomstick here to put Reigns over.

If it were a real fight: Del Rio would kill him in about 2 minutes. Del Rio has legitimate MMA experience and was once famously knocked out by Mirko Cro Cop.

Dean Ambrose defeats Kevin Owens with the Dirty Deeds double arm DDT.

So both of these guys are popular with the fans. Ambrose is a decent worker. Owens is amazing. His constant talking in this match made it seem real and intense. “And that’s why I am the next champ!” he screams after powerbombing Ambrose. Owens wrestles in black shorts and a shirt. That’s a good thing. Without a shirt, he probably resembles Roy Nelson. Owens is a fat guy. But that’s OK. Owens is still a legit badass. With a shirt that says “Fight, Owens, Fight, Owens is the common man’s hero. If this were 1985, he’d be Dusty Rhodes.

McMahon and Triple H aren’t big fans of fat or short wrestlers, so Owens may be stuck in the mid-card for the rest of his life. It’s not his night anyway because he’s simply there to job to Ambrose.

This is a good match with Owens and Ambrose working stiff (hitting each other hard for real to create the illusion of reality) and Owens. Ambrose pinned him Owens with the Dirty Deeds, sending Ambrose off to work with his “brother” in the main event.

If it were a real fight: Give the edge to Kevin Owens. He’s bigger, stronger and although he lacks cardio, he looks like he throws a way better right hand.

Ryback, the Lucha Dragons and the Usos defeated The New Day, King Barrett and Sheamus.

This is a comedy match featuring six guys the WWE has no idea how to book. The New Day is a fun three-man tag team, but everyone else is just kind of there. Ryback is a big bodybuilder type who can’t wrestle. The Lucha Dragons are an exciting team, but since they are Luchadors, they are just booked as low-on-the-card comedy act. The Usos are popular, but kind of like The Rockers were in the 1990s. No one took them seriously. King Barrett is a good athlete and talker for whom the WWE just can’t find the right gimmick. Sheamus, well he’s one of Triple H’s friends, so he will be just fine.

The problem with 10-man tag matches is that there’s never much storytelling. It’s just a bunch of quick falls. This match was no different. In the grand scheme, this match was meaningless and did not perpetuate any of the WWE storylines. Crowd was dead for the match. Dud.

If it were a real fight: King Barrett is reigning supreme.

Charlotte defeated Paige by submission to retain the WWE Divas Championship.

Charlotte is Ric Flair’s daughter and the WWE is so desperate for mainstream attention that on Monday Night Raw last week Paige was scripted to question the strength and toughness of Charlotte’s real-life brother Reid Flair, who died of a drug overdose a few years ago. This angle backfired on the company, with many people accusing the WWE of poor taste. So they essentially dropped the comment from the storyline with only the announcers making comments such as “this is a match that has become extremely personal.”

For the past several years the Divas matches have been slightly above the skill level of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling from the the 1980s. But in the last year, the WWE has attempted to treat the ladies less like sex objects and more like wrestlers. Charlotte and Paige are good wrestlers who put on a good women’s match. Lots of submission holds, decent offense and defense, and a match with good storytelling.

Charlotte tapped Paige out using her father’s famed figure-four-leglock. They have big plans for Charlotte. Ronda Rousey anyone?

If it were a real fight: *shoulder shrug*

 Tyler Breeze defeats Dolph Ziggler with the Unprettier.

So I hate both of these guys. Breeze looks like combination of Johnny Nitro and Christian. His gimmick is that he is a self-obsessed millennial who constantly takes selfies. Ziggler is a joke wrestler who oversells. Instead of falling on his back from a clothesline, he insists on doing a 360 and then landing on his back just to show off how well he can bump fall. McMahon hates Ziggler because he’s too skinny so he insists on keeping him in the mid-card and never pushing him. So tonight he lost to Breeze, a guy who probably will be in the Andre The Giant Battle Royal at WrestleMania. If the WWE had competition, Ziggler would jump ship to a promotion that appreciates him.

If it were a real fight: Gold help us. They would probably end up doing each other’s hair and thumb wrestling.

Kane & The Undertaker defeated The Wyatt Family with tombstone piledriver.

The Wyatt Family has the best ring entrance in the business. The WWE turns out the lights and the fans hold up their cell phones. Pretty amazing sight. Unless it’s at WrestleMania 31, and your entrance is in the middle of the day, then it’s really lame.

The Wyatt family are supposed to be a group of deranged hillbillies. Seriously. They are maniacal mountain men who terrorize people. Seriously. That’s their gimmick. And you wonder why the WWE has trouble creating new stars?

Kane is the first brother of destruction to come to the ring. Kane is The Undertaker’s fictional brother and they are reuniting here for Survivor Series. Kane has not been cool since he was dropping buckets of fake blood on top of Stone Cold’s head on Monday Night Raw in the 1990s.

The Undertaker is back and boy is he happy he’s not wrestling Brock Lesnar tonight. In a tag team the younger Kane can do all the work, and the Taker can just enjoy his ring entrance and participating in double-fisted choke slams.

I think I fell asleep during The Undertaker’s entrance. Talk about dated. Forget John Cena and Roman Reigns. The Undertaker is the most over-pushed superstar in history. I mean, he has a cool gimmick, but his entrance is so painfully slow and boring.

Announcer JBL made me want to slam my laptop down and contemplate life when he said watching The Undertaker enter the ring was like “watching Babe Ruth walking into Yankee Stadium.” SHUT UP.

Michael Cole then called The Undertaker “the greatest of all time.”

That’s like calling Peyton Manning the greatest of all time. It’s just stupid.

This match features a lot of punching, kicking and choke-slamming. It’s really dumb that McMahon believes Cena is too old, yet we have to painfully sit through 15 minutes of The Undertaker stumble through a match.

Bray Wyatt is wrestling in white pants. No one should wrestle in white pants unless your name is Seth Rollins or Shawn Michaels.

After Taker won with a tombstone on Luke Harper, the crowd gave him a standing ovation. It was probably a treat to see the Taker wrestle and not have him get totally destroyed by Lesnar.

If it were a real fight: The Wyatt Family would bury those dinosaurs.

Roman Reigns defeated Dean Ambrose to win the WWE Championship

Ambrose came out shirtless, which could not have made McMahon or Triple H happy. Ambrose’s black tang top was stripped off during the first match so he winged it and my God does he need to hit the weights. The 123 kid had more muscle definition. Chyna had more muscle definition. Ambrose looks like he needs to eat a few carbs. He certainly does not look like a professional wrestler.

This was a decent match with some good spots, with Ambrose carrying Reigns like he had handles on his back. Reigns spent the entire match trying to connect with his Superman punch – where he runs at you and swings. Yeah it’s realistic.

After several near-falls, Reigns pinned Ambrose with a spear and Reigns is the new champion!

Ambrose hugged Reigns and the confetti poured from the ceiling like Lex Luger was in the building.

This was Reigns’ big moment — or was it?

Suddenly Triple H’s music hit. Hunter walked to the ring and extended his hand to Reigns. Hunter the week prior asked Reigns to join The Authority, essentially the WWE’s insider baseball group of executives who run the show on television. Instead of shaking Hunter’s hand, Reigns speared him.

Big mistake.

As Reigns turned around, Sheamus, the WWE’s Money in the Bank winner, kicked Reigns in the face. Now quickly, the Money in the Bank is a suitcase that Sheamus won earlier this year. The suitcase is suspended high above the ring and the wrestler who can get to it first wins the suitcase, which gives the wrestler and immediate title match whenever he chooses to cash it in. Most wrestlers cash in their Money in the Bank contract at exactly this point — when a champion is tired and beaten up.

Reigns amazingly kicked out of the big kick. But not the second one. Sheamus spoiled Reigns party by cashing in his contract and pinning Reigns for the title.

Sheamus is now a four-time world champion. Reigns loses again. The WWE still has no new top star. Sheamus is not that guy. He is what wrestling fans call “a transitional champion.”

Who would win in a real fight: Not Reigns. He would be too busy flicking the hair out of his face. Not Ambrose. His standup is worse than Ronda Rousey’s. Probably Sheamus, who is the most manly of the bunch.